Woodworking Tool Definitions

 Credit to Bill Wilson, who lives somewhere in PA:


Dust Collector (inhalisis giganticus)
A ravenous scavenger, which will consume vast quantities of sawdust and woodchips via a network of highly developed appendages. It is a reclusive creature, generally isolated in remote shop corners or in attached outbuildings. It must also be noted that the DC also has an appetite for other objects, carelessly left lying within its tentacled reach, like small tools, pencils, scraps of paper with measurements written on them, etc.

Shop Vac (inhalisis diminutus)
A smaller cousin to the DC, with a similar appetite. The shop vac is a nomadic hunter, roaming about the shop in search of food. Its piercing, high-pitched howl has been known to burst the eardrums of unsuspecting woodworkers. It is otherwise relatively harmless to humans.

Push Broom (sweepus seldomus)
The most primitive and oldest species of wood shop animal. It is believed that ancestors of the contemporary push broom were domesticated millions of years before the first wood shop animals appeared and often cohabited with humans. They gradually were relegated to garage, basement and shop environments during the Electrolux era. This venerable and simple scavenger has survived the eons due primarily to its ability to go for long periods of time without food. By conserving its energy, it can appear to fall into a near trance-like state of suspended animation for extended periods of time. Unlike the voracious Dust Collector and Shop Vac with which it competes, the push broom is content to sit idle for days, even months.

Table Saw (unisawrus rippicus)
A solitary and regal predator, the table saw employs sharp powerful teeth, well suited for ripping even the hardest woods with relative ease. There are several varieties of table saws, ranging from the small bench top, to the king of table saws, indeed the king of the predators, the Unisaw. Though primarily a stationary creature, it is perhaps one of the most active of all woodshop animals. Table saws have proliferated and are found in nearly all shops where wood is in adequate supply. They prefer choice, imported hardwoods, but when hungry will readily feed on cheaper domestic softwoods. They have become less of a threat to humans, due to careful breeding and training, but still are to be considered quite dangerous, especially while feeding. They have been known to, with minimal provocation, disgorge their food and attack their handlers with breathtaking ferocity.

Radial Arm Saw (fleshamus maimasaurus)
The RAS is perhaps the most vicious and feared beast within the woodshop community. Repeated attempts to domesticate this savage monster have largely failed. As its name implies, it has been known to tear the arms off of unwitting human victims and devour them in the blink of an eye. It is perhaps even more desirous of human flesh than its natural food. Because of these dangerous tendencies, they have been banished from many home woodshops and are rapidly becoming an endangered species.




Circular Saw (spewicus sawdustumus)
The common circular saw, or Skil saw as it’s often called, is a small but feisty predator that is one of the most agile & mobile members of the saw family. It is perhaps more at home in the outdoors than the confines of the shop, but will thrive wherever there is food. The circular saw is usually a bottom feeder, preferring mostly construction grade boards and sheet products and is one of the few saws able to tolerate pressure treated wood. Relatively submissive, it will, occasionally, exhibit aggressive tendencies, but they are usually limited to merely annoying behavior such as cutting extension cords and filling eye sockets with sawdust.

 


Compound Miter Saw (anglus frustratis)
The result of genetic manipulation and cross breeding of the fierce RAS with the more domesticated Skil saw. This hybrid member of the saw family has quickly filled the void left by the rapid decline of the RAS. It is highly adaptable. Like its genetic parent, the circular saw, it is very well suited to outdoor environments. But it also maintains many of the desirable characteristics of the RAS, such as speed, stability and accuracy and can often be found set up in semi-permanent workstations within the wood shop. Many observers have noted its peculiar tendency to consume vast quantities of choice crown molding in vain attempts to achieve some desired angle, but otherwise it is only marginally more dangerous than the ordinary circular saw.

Scroll Saw (breakalotta bladecus)
One of the most docile members of the saw family, this gentle creature endures quietly in the shadow of its larger, more aggressive relatives. It is well suited to cramped spaces. The Scroll Saw can be a finicky eater, preferring to satisfy its delicate tastes with smaller, thinner, exotic woods, but it will, on occasion, exhibit scavenger-like tendencies, indulging in scraps leftover by other saws.

Band Saw (toothus abundantus)
This creature is distinguished by the hundreds of teeth it employs to devour a broad range of material. Beyond the typical fare of hard and soft wood, it has a unique fondness for unprocessed timber. Its diet may even include some plastics and light metals and the occasional frozen turkey.

Planer (kneedeepimus inchipicus)
While not a member of the dominant saw family, this unusual fellow has many of the same aggressive, predatory characteristics. A voracious eater, it can reduce thick pieces of wood to a veneer-like state in short order. It is however, generally regarded as safe around humans, providing they exercise caution when feeding. It is distinguished by the copious amounts of excrement that it generates. For this reason, scavengers are usually found in its proximity and in fact are generally deemed necessary lest the entire habitat be overwhelmed by waste.

Jointer (knuckelum mutilatum)
A cousin to the Planer, this creature has similar characteristics, but its eating habits are noticeably more restrained. However it is also regarded as moderately more aggressive toward humans. It has a greater tendency to strike without warning and its bite is swift & powerful.

Router (devilus tasmainicus)
The whirling dervish of the wood shop, this small but dynamic fellow is barely able to constrain its raging speed and power within the confines of a table, but unleash it to run free and it will devour its prey with reckless abandon. Despite its seemingly unrestrained nature, it is actually one of the more sophisticated of the shop predators. Brutish and delicate at the same time, it is a paradox among the wood shop creatures.